1st of October

omfg. I'm 21!!!!!

I love you... Goodbye

I am speechless. I've been trying my best to grasp the reality that Mama Pid is gone. My grandmother who I consider as my second mom. And here I am infront of my laptop trying to think of what to say.

I hate Goodbyes, I hate not saying I love you before I lose someone else. I hate not seeing or talking to one person you used to talk everyday, see everyday and feel everyday.

She was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease when I was barely 7 y/o and she had been suffering to it till she died. Today. August 31, 2015.

The disease killed her life. What I mean life is that her day to day living. I can remember that she was an active person, she makes cute dresses, she dye her hair, she plays card, she always wear make up, she's really pretty and sexy.

Now that she's with Our Lord, I know my Mama Pid's suffering is done. She can peacefully rest now together with My Mom, Her Mom, Her Dad and her siblings. It was quite a long journey for her to experience all that and now that she had her rest. I know she's happy.

We've been going in and out of the hospital pretty lately because of her. She got pneumonia and we stayed in the hospital for a week and after that we mostly come rushing to the hospital because of her.

And it hurts seeing her like that. Her body decomposing even if she's still alive.

And now I am thinking what will be my life now. Now that she's gone. It's so sad to live in a big white two-storey house with 9 rooms, 2 dinning area, wide lawn with few people. 

2015 waaaaaaaas a tough year..

I gave birth

I lose someone

But I know God has better plans for us. I know He won't let me down. Its just a sad year.. a lot of people came, and alot of people left.

Mama Pid,

Wherever you are..

I am happy that you are going to rest now in God's hand.

I know it had been a though battle for you, 

but I know you are looking at us and you are smiling.

I will miss you so much...

And I love you so dearly..

Thank you for loving me and for loving Zavierra too..

I can remember how happy you are everytime you see Zavierra 

and the feeling when you hold her.

I love you... Goodbye

Baldomera B. Rodriguez 

Diapers, Milk and Education

So today, I watched The Age of Adaline.

I can say, it was the best film I had for ages. I can hardly remember when's the last time I watched a movie.

It was a good film and that film thought me one thing.

To Face My Fears.

If you're asking why?

You better watch the film and maybe you'll gonna agree with me

:)

After watching the said film, I scanned my Facebook and there I saw one of my classmate back in highschool named Alexa. She has a two year old kid and she wasn't able to finish school because she got pregnant. (Like me)

I saw some pictures of her at the airport, and then I messaged her asking where she's going.

She told me she's going abroad to work.

I asked what kind of work, and she told me she's going to work as a waitress.

Then I asked about her kid, and she told me, its all for her son.

I feel sad. Sad because I know the feeling of being away with your kid even just for a couple of hours. I know the feeling having no money and thinking of better ways to have money. I know the feeling of being a mom who wants the best for her kid.

I keep on lying to myself all most about everything. I keep on telling that everything's gonna be okay even though I know it will never be.

I keep on lying around people asking where Zavi's dad is.

I keep on lying to everyone to keep my deep secrets.

I keep on lying because I am a mom and I don't want them to pity my kid.

Zavi's dad and I will never work out.

How can something work out if you both don't put an effort to make something work?

How can something last long if you don't love it?

How can you keep something you don't even love?

Zavi's dad and I was absolutely and totally strangers to each other when we first met.

We never had this sweet, romantic date.

We never even had a good conversation even just for an hour.

We were two people, 

We both made a beautiful mistake once

And that mistake led me to something right and taught me my purpose in life,

that is to be a Mom. 

I can say Zavi's dad also tried to make everything work,

I guess he is working on it more.

I'm just not that patient about everything that I pushed him away.

Well nt for good but atleast just for now.

My plans now is to finish college at the same time be a working mom.

I need to balance Mommy Works + School + Actual Work.

I am working on it though, to find a good job to atleast have tyhe money to buy our needs.

For now all i want is a good life for my daughter and give her the best future every mom wants her kid to have. She deserve everything.

xoxo

Nicole

P.S.

Sorry I stopped Zavi is just being Zavi so I need to get back to her :)

My Happiness

Meet Zavierra Ruth

Two is better than One..

Hey there! I always find myself opening my blog and typing something here when someone hurts me. Lol.



So this will be another letter for my baby Xavi,

Page 2/365 of 2015

Hello 2015!