My Happiness

Meet Zavierra Ruth

February 22nd, Sunday Our Zavi came to see the world. She is our wonderful blessing, my bundle of joy <3

Two months ago,

I fought for my life and for my wonderful blessing.

I can still remember that day,

everyone was anxious, each and every one are excited, scared and terrified.

I was playing cool and still crack jokes to make the family not to worry but deep inside I was scared as hell.

Then around 9PM of February 21st,

we decided to head to the hospital since I was feeling the contractions for a long time now,

only to be told to just go home since I was still far from 10cm.

And then we decided to just find another hospital,

and at around 1AM of February 22nd

I was there, inside a labor room

in pain, exhausted, scared.

From time to time the doctor "I.E"d me, checking if the baby had come down.

But there was still no progress.

They already induced me to force the baby to come down but maybe Zavi won't.

From hours of labor, finally my water broke

and the pain that I felt at first while having contractions tripledx10 from the feeling I felt before the water broke.

I never knew that giving birth will hurt that much.
I remember praying and calling out for my Mom.
I remember not shouting but just crying because of pain.
I remember the nurse putting oxygen mask in my nose to help me breathe since I can't breathe for my self already.
I remember trying to be strong and to be positive for everything to end in a smooth way.



I remember asking my cousin who was my doctor for epidural
I remember how the nurses rub my back just to ease the pain
I remember as the clock strikes fast.



That was not the kind of labor I had instilled in my mind,
I wasn't prepared for it.


Back then, I hadn't wanted an epidural for some reasons.
I wanted to feel the pain of giving birth to know how hard it is,
stubborness, overachiever-ness,
I wanted to experience all,
but I never meant of all is for someone sticking something into my spine.
I wanted to punish myself for being careless and that's why I don't want an epidural.


But, the table turned and I decided to have an epidural.
More than 24 hours of in pain is no joke.
Here goes the emergency.


At around 7AM of February 22nd
Doc Reyes arrived.
My anesthesiologist.



I feel like I was beaten by hundreds of men in my stomach.
I feel really hot and beaten up.
And when He arrived, the mood inside the labor room shifted.
I know I'll experience more pain.



I've seen in youtube the procedure of epidural.
They inject it in your spine, you curl your back like a baby inside a womb and then they will insert a long tube at your back and aftre for a few seconds, you wont feel anything belt below.



Imagine the pain from contractions + the pain of the needle.
They instructed me to hunch my back, form a letter C using my body.
Then they put iodine all over your back, and with their hands, they will feel the notches in your spine, counting and trying to find an entry point.



And there, when my next contraction arrived they put that thing inside my spine.
the first needle is a shot to numbyour  skinand then a bigger hollow needle goes in with a tiny tube that gets threaded into your spine.
they said you wont feel it but i did.
then they put the medicine and the doctor told me that I'll feel like some mild electric shock.
but thats beyond what he said, after the medicine goes in my body, Ifeel like i was having seizure.
i can't control my body from shivering.



Then I  heard that alarm again,
reminding the heart beat.
It was either mine or hers.
Then I heard the three doctors who was attending me
that Zavi's heartbeat is below normal
40/140 beats per minute



And there they decided for C-Section.
What I feared most.
What I dont want to experience
What I dont want to feel.



But the doctors have to save our lives.
And they have 7 minutes to let Zavi out or she'll die.
And all I said that time was, "Tay, Ikaw na bahala"



I thought I'll die that time.
Seeing that big light on my top.
Seeing all the nurses cramming,
and the doctors readying for me and Zavi.
Seeing a nurse putting iodine in my tummy,
An oxygen mask in my nose.
Spreading my legs wide and my arms open.



I feel like I was going to be buried in a cross.
Good thing I asked for epidural before anything bad happened.
But all of the things I experienced, I am still proud for myself.


I hold unto myself thinking how much i love Zavi and how much care I did while carrying her for nine months.
I let fear wash over me, All I think that moment that it was the best for Zavi and me, even though "what's best" means being in a major surgery with real wounds and scar unprepared.



I never imagined myself being in that situation.
I mean, I was only 20 years old and here I am  fighting for my life and my baby and having the most fearful thing a pregnant woman can experience.


Other C-section moms are prepared
months, weeks, days, hours.... and I only have minutes to be prepared.
Less than 7 minutes to be exact.
Everything I envisioned tht day changed.
I had to be strong.



Less than 5 minutes Zav came out.
That was how fast my surgery was.
Less than 30 minutes the operation was done.
And they put me to sleep for my self to recover.



Then I woke up,
with catheter connected in me
with flat tummy
with wound
and dead tired.



The first thing I asked was, if how's Zavi.
The nurse showed a picture of Zavi
and he told me, Zav is doing great.
And that made me cry.

Zavierra is my life and I'll do everything to give her the best,

I don't think its fair for me when people judge me just because I GOT PREGNANT.

I've been through alot of shits in my life and Zavierra isn't one of them.

Zavi is a blessing for my family.

I plan to disregard negativity and all I care right now is for my baby to grow up healthy, strong, smart, and God fearing.

People will talk and i know i cant please all of them. 

But do I really care?

Looking at this beauty,

all of my fear, my pain, are vanished.

Waking up every morning with her is a blessing :)

So meet my life :)

Zavierra Ruth

xoxo,

nicole