I Just Need Time..

Well in my past post, I told you that I will no longer use this blog of mine.




Guess what? I changed my mind..







This blog is special to me so I'd rather keep using this than to abandon it. Well, idc if someone's reading this but if someone really do, well, you'll gonna learn alot more things in my upcoming posts.




I needed time.






The time that had been given to me was long overdue, But I think, the time that had been given wasn't enough to prepare me for everything. I need more time to be ready.




Today, everything has changed .... as few of my family knows what I am feeling right now.





Its never been easy and I never thought of myself to be in this situation. Now I understand those women who had the same rough path that I am encountering now. Its never easy to admit the wrong that you've done, hard to admit that your life is one helluva fucked up story. Its hard to admit that im too weak to face this. Its hard to admit to those who trusted you so much but then you eventually failed them.



I am trying to be strong but I also have my limitations and people that pulls me down makes it hard for me to be in the loop. I really had a very clear vision about my future. I planned on graduating next year then eventually be back to America or pursue my dream to be a Flight Attendant, or start travelling, but those things now are changed. Changed because of just one bad thing I did in the past that resulted me on having this dillema.




Its also not easy to pretend that everything is ok, to pretend that when you wake up tomorrow everything's gonna be back to normal and what you're feeling right now will soon be forgotten. Not easy to pretend that you can carry the burden alone well infact you needed someone who will be there to face this trial with you. Its hard to pretend that you are actually strong well in fact truth is killing you and guilt succumb you.



I will never be ready in this new chapter of my life. How can I be ready? I don't have a mom to help me, im scared to hurt my dad well in fact I already did. I was too careful but then when life fucks you hard, it will give you an unforgettable orgasm.




My family trusted me. They thought that I am a strong and driven woman, that I can achieve everything, I can carry the burden, that I can adapt in any changes in my life but the truth is, I am weak.





Well I need to be strong for my family, for my upcoming battle. This will never be easy but I know with God's plan, help and love I will overcome this.



I just need to accept the fact that my life has changed and my time is running..


BTW, I changed the font..

Back to the topic..



Wanna know what I am feeling right now or what my burden is?






I have Cancer and I will only last 3 months from now, which means, I am going to die this February..








Gosh, I just wish its just Cancer. (Spare me with this shit)






Okay, this post had cleared my mind and made me forget and fill out my sorrow.. I know writing will always be my escape and the only thing that can calm me down...




As I am finishing this post, my tears are no longer flowing and I am calmer now, indeed, writing does magic 





I'll be fine. I am Nicole Sazon!!!!!




Xoxo,
Nicole