Thank You Tatay!!!!

In my past post, I questioned His existence. I questioned His capacity to be our Savior. I questioned Him.




I am really ashamed and I really feel bad on why I posted those stuffs about Him. I feel so guilty.. But after that post I made, I can still find myself praying to Him, asking for forgiveness, saying my gratitude, asking for guidance and protection.



Maybe we can never help but question Him especially when we are down, but one thing I learned and I always believed is that He will never leave us, nor forsake us, He will ALWAYS be at our side no matter what happen.




So I will share to you my favourite verse from the Bible..

Even if my family is so down right now and is experiencing tremendous trials, God has never left our side. He is there, guiding me, guiding my dad, my brother and my mom..

I can never feel Him physically, but I know He is in my heart, in my mind, in my surroundings

Emotionally, Socially, and Spiritually.

Thank You so much Tatay for the out pouring graces and prosperity and good health.

I'm sorry for all the wrong things I said.

I love you so much.

Thanks for everything my Savior! :)

Thanks You so much for letting my Dad pass his exam.

This means a lot to us my Tatay.

I will be forever grateful to You.

You know naman, I'll do everything for my family even though I am the black sheep of the family.

Thank You so so so so much!!!

Xoxo,

Nicole

Nicolai :D

❄⛄❄⛄☔🌼

I Can't Think Of Any Title

I am trying not to dwell in the past, as you can never undo what had been done.


I stopped school. And this is killing me. People around me thinks that all is fine now but the truth is it isn't and will never be okay.


I don't know what to do anymore aside from thinking of anything that can harm me.


The idea of a new life is eating me and I am not yet ready and will never be. I hate to think that I'll be alone in this battle.



I just want to end my life now so everything will be fine again.

Why?

Why?



Why do we need to have Faith in Him?





I sometimes ask why He gives us trials in life, why is He making all the road so rocky and harsh? Why is He giving challenges in our lives..



Or are we the one making the hardships we encounter because the truth is, He never exists?




Is it OK to question your faith, trust and believe in Him? Is it acceptable that sometimes you think He isn't real? Is it normal to think that there is really NO God?



I wonder what Atheists feel. Whole my life, my family brought me up believing that God is the center of our life, I really don't know how He became the center of it. My family instilled in my mind that He's the most powerful and I should be afraid of Him.



My family nurtured me with Christian Values. Taught me about the Good News, His offerings, His Sacrifices and Salvation.



I sometimes think that The Bible was made similar on how we make fictional stories. That what if those people who wrote, testify, scribe the Bible was only writing such things for entertainment and then it was passed and enhanced from one generation to another?





Is heaven for real? Is God for real? If He is real, why can't I feel Him?




Why do I feel so alone? I know I am vocal about my faith but sometimes these stuffs just come out of your mind and because I don't have someone to talk to without being judged, I choose to write it over down here.



I know my family is there for me, but I am hesitant to let them know what I feel and what's on my mind because I don't want to be a burden to them .



I cause a lot of havoc in my family already and I don't want them to think about me more. I don't want my father to be stressed more, I brought a lot of pain to him already and all I want right now is to make him happy.




I don't usually ask things that I want to happen to God because I am always disappointed everytime I ask something from Him that never happens. I know it's a matter of faith and prayers but why is that too hard for Him to make my wish come true?



And I don't even ask these stuff for myself but for other people and why is it too hard for him to make it happen? I don't want to be hurt and disappointed but I myself makes my love ones hurt and disappointed of me.



It is against God's law to question him right? To question his existence but we can't help it. We will always be furiously curious if He's really real.


My family has this strong Christian faith and values. We practice and celebrate Christianity everyday but sometimes I think it is better to think that He doesn't exists because of a llc the challenges we are facing.



Are these His ways to make us stronger? Does He always have His own reasons why is He making everything complicated? If Yes, what is it? To make us a better person and to learn something from it? If He truly loves us, He won't let us suffer, that is why He died for us and risen again right? So why can't He just make everything uncomplicated?




Gosh. . With all the things I am experiencing now, I really thought of giving up. I just want to disappear so I can forget everything.




Is God really there? If Yes, WHY can't I feel Him?

Xoxo,

Nicole 

Why Can't They Understand?

You can never please anyone inspire of all the things you did just to make them happy. I just don't understand why people wants something more from someone even though their selves cannot equally give what the other person wanted.



We are all a sucker for Something More but we are afraid to Give More



Why can't people understand that not everything can be solved just by getting rid of that mistake. It's like making another mistake out of a mistake.



I know, anyone who will hear my story will say that I should have done this, I should have choose this, this should be done if, lots of what ifs, lots of anger, pity and any kind of things that they will feel about me.




I am not that bad to just opt for something that I know I'll going to regret someday. I am not that kind of person that will think of myself first.. i know they only want what's the best for me but getting rid of a mistake will never be an option.




People will talk, I get that. People will wonder, people will say such things about me, but do I really care?



Of course I care, but there are others who understands me better than them and that is what I'm living for right now



I fucked up my life but it doesn't mean I am going to be like this forever. I am going to stand again, put my guard up again, I'll dream big again. I'll trust people again, and I'll make those who loves me proud again.



I am not perfect and I don't want to be one.. i have my flaws, I have my weakness, my downfall..



I thought this year will be my year but I think it isn't because of all the problems I am encountering now.



People will understand me soon after they had judged me on why I choose to do this, why I continued to live with this, and left my future. I know my decisions aren't that good but I think this is for the best.




I am going to hurt the two most important man in my life but I know with God's guidance ,He will give them strength to accept the fact that everything has changed.



I know I won't be alone in this battle as God will never turn His back on me. I don't know what His reasons for making this. But I got to be strong..

Xoxo, 

Nicole

1. I need to be strong..

I Just Need Time..

Well in my past post, I told you that I will no longer use this blog of mine.




Guess what? I changed my mind..







This blog is special to me so I'd rather keep using this than to abandon it. Well, idc if someone's reading this but if someone really do, well, you'll gonna learn alot more things in my upcoming posts.




I needed time.






The time that had been given to me was long overdue, But I think, the time that had been given wasn't enough to prepare me for everything. I need more time to be ready.




Today, everything has changed .... as few of my family knows what I am feeling right now.





Its never been easy and I never thought of myself to be in this situation. Now I understand those women who had the same rough path that I am encountering now. Its never easy to admit the wrong that you've done, hard to admit that your life is one helluva fucked up story. Its hard to admit that im too weak to face this. Its hard to admit to those who trusted you so much but then you eventually failed them.



I am trying to be strong but I also have my limitations and people that pulls me down makes it hard for me to be in the loop. I really had a very clear vision about my future. I planned on graduating next year then eventually be back to America or pursue my dream to be a Flight Attendant, or start travelling, but those things now are changed. Changed because of just one bad thing I did in the past that resulted me on having this dillema.




Its also not easy to pretend that everything is ok, to pretend that when you wake up tomorrow everything's gonna be back to normal and what you're feeling right now will soon be forgotten. Not easy to pretend that you can carry the burden alone well infact you needed someone who will be there to face this trial with you. Its hard to pretend that you are actually strong well in fact truth is killing you and guilt succumb you.



I will never be ready in this new chapter of my life. How can I be ready? I don't have a mom to help me, im scared to hurt my dad well in fact I already did. I was too careful but then when life fucks you hard, it will give you an unforgettable orgasm.




My family trusted me. They thought that I am a strong and driven woman, that I can achieve everything, I can carry the burden, that I can adapt in any changes in my life but the truth is, I am weak.





Well I need to be strong for my family, for my upcoming battle. This will never be easy but I know with God's plan, help and love I will overcome this.



I just need to accept the fact that my life has changed and my time is running..


BTW, I changed the font..

Back to the topic..



Wanna know what I am feeling right now or what my burden is?






I have Cancer and I will only last 3 months from now, which means, I am going to die this February..








Gosh, I just wish its just Cancer. (Spare me with this shit)






Okay, this post had cleared my mind and made me forget and fill out my sorrow.. I know writing will always be my escape and the only thing that can calm me down...




As I am finishing this post, my tears are no longer flowing and I am calmer now, indeed, writing does magic 





I'll be fine. I am Nicole Sazon!!!!!




Xoxo,
Nicole 

???

This had been on my mind since forever..



I am having this thoughts that I should leave this blog for good and make a new one. Why?



Well, things has changed now and even if I try to put all my shit together, I can't because i know that I messed up. Totally messed up..



As much as I want to make my upcoming posts here, I dont think its the best-est idea I ever thought. I don't want the world to know about something I am not yet ready to tell.


Its hard to pretend and its even harder to act as if everything is still the same ebven if the truth hits you hard. Everyone knows about my blog (I think) Or maybe someone is really reading it..



I just wish i can still turn back time and do what its used to be.



A life that isn't too hard, a life where all you think is yourself, no heartbreaks, no major MAJOR problems, simple, and full of dreams..



But yeah, I need to grasp the truth and continue to live. Life is definitely a Bitch.

xoxo,

Nicole