I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't give a fuck to my studies resulting for me to have low grades, and i might not graduate next year because of that.
I am building a wall towards my Dad and my Brother because I am too shy to them.
I disappointed them big time.
I keep on asking myself. What do I really want to do with my life?
Then the idea of travelling the world, becoming an international flight attendant, a renowned writer, a successful woman but after thinking those things, I will just breathe heavily and wonder, Can I still reach those dreams I had?
My future before was all set.
Travel wherever I want, studies are doing good, I am hitting the gym, I am focused on becoming a writer, I trained to become a flight attendant, no worries about spending money cause you can definitely afford to do so, its the life everyone wants.
All I have to do before is to graduate, apply for a job, set to go and then fly all throughout the world.
People will always think that I am blessed, at the age of 16 I got to travel anywhere alone.
Then at the age of 19 I tried my luck in America.
Its a dream come true for everyone.
I mean, I am really blessed that I got to be the girl I want to be.
Girls in my age are busy collecting boyfriends, I really thought about that,
like, what if I let any man be in my life again, because if I wanted to, maybe I had this collections of guys I dated, but I am not that kind of girl. I mean, I want a real relationship and I thought that can wait.
I'm not that eager to be in a relationship before, I love my single life and I was enjoying it.
I got to party till morning, get drunk, dance with other boys, go to spa, get a massage, get a facial, and no heartaches, no bullshits, no crying, no arguments.
But then there came a point that I want to feel love, I want to feel secured, I want someone to talk to, not just a friend, not just a hook-up, not just flirting with the guy I met at the bar or online.
I want someone who can ease my loneliness.
I admit I am lonely.
Yes, I got friends, I got my Dad, my brother, my dog, and everyone.
But I want just one person who will be there to ask me if I am ok, if everythings fine, I want someone to listn to me when I rant, to hug me when im sad. I want someone who knows me.
I want someone whom I can communicate, not just by saying "Hi, Are you ok, Whats up" I wanted someone who will just be there with me.
i already forgot what it feels to have a mom beside you because i don't have my mom anymore,
I want someone who will cook dinner for me not just a food that been made by a helper but a food that my mom cooked. I want someone who will cuddles me up at night becauseshe knows that I am scared everytime there is thunderstorm. i want someone who will be my shopping buddy. I want someone who will laugh at me because i am currently dating a lame guy. i want someone who will yell at me because my room is a mess. I want someone who will kiss me and will tell me I love you.
I just miss my mom so bad.
And talking about my dad,
I dont want to disappoint him.
He already sacrificed everything, endured everything.
And the least I can do is to make him proud.
The reason why I built a wall towards them because I dont want to hurt them.
I don't want him to think that I am a failure though I really am.
I love my dad so much and he's the only parent I have, I cant take it if I lose him.
But yeah, one day he will find out what I am facing right now and I know that will hurt him so much.
Im not yet ready to tell him everything cause I know he has high expectations on me.
i know he will think that he failed to raise us up as good children, but the fact is, he did.
He is a great father, I am just his daughter he can't be proud of.
Lastly, my brother..
I love him
though we always fight, despite of the things that he does to hurt me physically and emotionally.
I am not that vocal towards him, and I always let him see that I despise him, but i will always be his little sister no matter what.
I also don't want him to get hurt, he had been so protective of me all this time, but yeah there are some things that you can never control especially if you don't know your limits.
Maybe I am just emotionally stressed.
i keep on telling me that everythings gonna be ok,
but I am facing the biggest challenge in my life Alone.
Crazy to think that I can overcome it, but just thinking about all the consequences I will be facing after, i dont know if I can carry it.
Will there be a future ahead of me after all this things are done?
Will I be ready to face this alone?
Will everyone understand me?
Will my family still accept me?
Can I still be a flight attendant?
Can I still travel the world?
Can i still be successful?
Can I get married?
Maybe I just want a certain person to help me face this.
Maybe, I want to finish my studies,
Its never too late for me to grab my dreams right?
Or is it too late cause i already fucked up my life?
I dont know what the future brings but I hope its not too late for me.
xoxo,
Nicole
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