Fading..

Its been so long since I last updated this blog of mine. I know i promised that I will ALWAYS update this so you have an insights of my day-to-day life (Well, not literally my day-to-day whereabouts).

I have this urge to update this so I can atleast let what I feel go and so that I can breathe even just for a while.



I sometimes think that coming to America wasn't a very good idea. I experienced lots of horrible things, got my heart broken, got cheated, got stabbed behind my back by the people I thought are my friends, and now I have something that will change my life forever..


I longed for this thing to happen to me, this is a dream i used to dream so bad, this is a gift I wanted to have, but now that I have it at a wrong time, I don't know what to do anymore, what to feel and what to expect.

Its really hard for me to just decide for something that I'm afraid to let go. Its hard to decide knowing that you will be alone in facing this with no one in your side to protect you, to uplift you, to tell you that everything's gonna be okay..


I  know I did lots of bad things when I was still in America but maybe I deserve this. I know its a mistake, but I will never put a grudge just because this thing came to my life on the least I expect it.


I am just stressed. Everyone expects me to graduate next year, to be back in America, to be a flight attendant, to graduate, to have a better future, to be more responsible, to be more independent, to marry a good guy, to have a complete and happy family, but I think it is slowly fading. My dreams are fading, my future is vague.. And I am slowly fading.


I know its my responsibility to face this trial. This was my fault. I was careless, I never thought about my future. I never thought that this will happen.


Its not that easy for me to just decide to just let go of this and start anew knowing that I let go of a precious gift everyone dreams.


But I am just 19.. I am young, I am free, I have so much to do, the future awaits me, my future that is so vague now whats a clear view.


This will never be easy for me cause I know I will leave lots of people hurting, crying, resentful, especially my Dad.

I know people will say "Sayang si Nicole", "She's so young"..


What do you want me to do then?


xx
NP